Thursday, November 19, 2009

The Ugly Truth About Me . . .

I've had a feel good blog post in mind for about a week now but I wanted to wait until after this past Monday to write it because I just knew the event I took place in on Monday would tie in quite nicely with all my warm & fuzzy feel-good feelings . . . or maybe not so much.

My church has recently started volunteering once a month in partnership with the Hub: Urban Outreach. Last month, we did Grocery Cart night (I was not able to attend). Basically, the very poor or homeless meet at an open lot in downtown Shreveport and church volunteers pass out food. Everyone returned blessed and joyous from the outing! When the opportunity arose this month, I didn't want to miss out on the blessings so I signed up!

We did something different this go-around though, we went to the Fairmont Apartments on Cotton Street, which is basically a need-based low income 15-story apartment building downtown. Interns with the Hub had gone to the Fairmont on Saturday and surveyed several residents on their needs and prayer requests. Our job on Monday was to deliver pre-bagged grocery items to select apartments. We split up into teams of 3 - 4 and received our info sheets that told names, apartment #'s, prayer requests, etc. I'm thinking this is going to be great - knock on doors, hand out food, say God Bless You, go home and feel good about self . . .

Wrong, as we are pairing off, Cassie, the director, tells us to pray over the residents we will be meeting before we leave the lobby to prepare and then she wants us to do more than drop off the food . . . she wants us to, gasp, talk to them like friends and get to know them . . . this assignment is starting to get a little uncomfortable.

My team rides the rickety elevator to the 14th floor and knock on the door to meet Audrey. Audrey invites us in to her very under-furnished apartment. Since we have no place to sit we all stand and stare down at her with beaming smiles! We ask how long she's been here thinking since she only owns a couch and NOTHING else that she'll say she just moved in, but no she's been there months. Audrey is very thankful for the food and the company because since she doesn't have a job she is very bored. We ask if she any prayer requests and she says no, we ask if she has kids and she says no, but then she says well I'm 9 weeks pregnant I guess you can pray for that! I perk up because I love all things having anything to do with babies and suddenly I can sense a common ground between myself and Audrey; maybe we aren't so different after all!

Then I see it - the ash tray sitting beside her feet - and suddenly I lose all compassion for her. I begin to think of friends who are dying for babies, of babies whose mothers did everything right but they are still sick, and then I think of unemployed Audrey waiting for me to bring her food so she can sit in her little apartment and smoke her baby's life away and I am angry. She evens cries as she hugs my mother and says thank you to us all but I can't really see her gratitude or her desperation because all I see is ash trays.

We leave and head to Tracey's apartment. Tracey (a guy) has listed prayer requests - he has broken his ankle and he is trying to help a friend through a 7 day detox program. I am hopeful that Tracey sparks more compassion in me. Tracey is very friendly and seems like a nice enough guy. He's lived at the Fairmont for 7 years after a brief stint living on the streets. He likes to help people and says he takes in quite a few "strays" to help them mend his way. My eyes wander briefly around his apartment and I'm quickly reminded of college - the space above his cabinets is decorated with half-empty liquor bottles. Not exactly helpful when you have been through STEPS or when you are trying to help someone recover from alcoholism. The more Tracey talks however the less I like him. He mentions he just returned from jail recently because of his 3rd DUI offense; he hit a 8.5 month pregnant lady after a night of drinking. Right about now, I'm feeling repulsed by his presence and the smell of his apartment is making me want to vomit. All I can think is what if that would have been me you hit or my friend? What would the family of that lady or that baby think of me for bringing you food?

Finally, our two visits are over, we decide to walk 14 flights of stairs because the elevators scare us. I was actually quite surprised not to find people in drug induced stupors in the stairs. We return to the lobby to meet up with our group; where I'm promptly introduced to Trigger aka Sniper, who tries to hug me more passionately than my husband. As I am walking backward trying to put some distance between us so that I can shake his hand instead, I sense that my mother is about to jump on his back and try to strangle him and I can't imagine what a scene that was cause!

Trigger proudly shows me his tear drop tatoos as if that will somehow boost my opinion of him. He asks if I live in a big house with a fireplace and I don't know what to say because yes, although I don't think my house is huge, Trigger has probably never seen a house so big and I don't want to be rude.

You see the ugly truth about me is that I smiled my best Jesus smiles at Audrey and Tracey and Trigger, but in my head I was telling myself how unworthy they were, how disgusting, how dirty, how lazy, etc.

This isn't really what I signed up for. I signed up for blessings and joy not to see a side of me that I'd rather leave under wraps.

What I'd really love for the Bible to say is "Feed the Hungry, but only if before they were hungry they were law-abiding, tax paying citizens. They are only hungry because they lost their job or have cancer." But all the Bible does say is 'share your food with the hungry.' And that's it folks. Jesus doesn't really care why they are hungry (he actually does, but you know what I mean), he just cares that they are and he wants us to feed them. Even the ones we'd rather not.

I recently read Same Kind of Different as Me about a homeless man in Fort Worth, Texas and one thing I learned from that book is that my gift of time, money, possessions, etc. is not diminished if people don't use like I intended for them to. Meaning if you toss $2 to the man holding the sign on the corner of the road and he spends it on beer instead of food like he said he would then you still get credit. So we can't really use that as an excuse.

That Bible says in Luke that even the sinner is nice to those who are nice to him and if I can't do better than that then what right do I have to be so arrogant?

You see the ugly truth about me, is I'm unworthy of being God's child. I'm inadequate for His service. I judge His children, even though I'm no better. My judgements of the residents of the Fairmont Apartments hindered God's ability to show how much He loves them. If they know nothing of God's love and I'm the only example they will ever see then I have failed miserably.

But the amazing thing is God still loves me anyway!! Just as much as loves Audrey, Tracey, and Trigger! I'm going back to the Fairmont on December 14 and this time instead of going for blessings I'm going back a little more humble and prepared to do actual service for God's beloved people. Maybe one day there won't be so many ugly truths about me . . .

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Rewind

October was busy month for the Brown's! And in attempt to be cute & trendy I decided to make a collage of our month; however mine is not so cute and you may need a magnifying glass to see it! Apparently, I do not know how to use Photoshop quite like I thought I did but I'm tired so this is what you get! (Lindsey, if you are reading this, how do I make mine look like yours??)

Melissa & Doug Party
I hosted a toy party (and no, to the one person who asked, Melissa & Doug only makes children's toys not the other kind!). We had great fun and bought lots of good stuff! My sister-in-law, Erica, aka Lil' Cake Diva, made a delicious cake that looked identical to a M & D puzzle! My mom and friend, Sarah, were also there but left before picture time!

Halloween
Mason was a hunter (and no, again, my dad was not dressed up for Halloween he was just going hunting! It was opening day after all!) and Conner was supposed to be a deer but we had some difficulties so he was a bear instead! Both boys had a great time and got way too much candy! Thanks to the Atkins' and the Wallace/Cobb clan for having us over!

I did technically break into my brother's house that night because Conner and I walked over thinking they were home . . . as I snuck out of the half-closed garage and told trick or treaters who asked for candy that I didn't live there, I got same strange glances from their parents!

First and Forever: The State Fair of Louisiana
The was Conner's first year for the fair and he got to ride the Merry Go Round and the big slide. He was so excited to do big boy activities and be just like Mason! Mason wanted to ride everything! He even went in the haunted house twice . . . kept his eyes closed both times but he had fun!

Book Parade
This was actually in November but was originally scheduled for October so it counts, huh? Mason's class did "If you give a Mouse a Cookie" and they all looked so adorable in their mouse costume's with their props! Thanks to Mom for making his tail and for everyone telling me that yes, it was possible for me to a cookie! I think I did a good job!

I'll work on my collage skills later! Any suggestions are welcome!

And Happy 2nd Birthday to Dansby! We had a great time at your party today!





Wednesday, November 11, 2009

From Good to Bad to WORSE!

The Good . . .

Went on my semi-annual College Girls Weekend this past weekend! We had a great time in Sugar Land, TX!! As usual, it was like we'd never left the 2nd floor of Adams Dorm or Sybil Lane in good ol' Ruston, LA! We always have tons of fun gossiping about people we knew, discussing kids & husbands, and everything in between! This time it was super fun to talk about our secret blog-stalking and to plan Baby Nolan's first birthday party and to have little Will Bozeman be our own toy tester with Holly's Houses! Can't wait to get together a little closer to home in March at Holly D's house in Benton!



Lauren getting some love from Kirby, Will & Holly


Holly D & Missy, my traveling buddies


Sugar Land crew, Kandy & Lauren




The Bad . . .

I had a wonderful time visiting with friends but like normal we stayed up way too late catching up on life - when I got home I was exhausted! Which was bad because I had so much work to do on Sunday!! I finally got everything done around 11:00 pm and took a much needed soak in the jacuzzi tub . . . only to hear tiny little footsteps making their way into my bed! Mason started crying for his mommy so my luxurious soak was done. I got to his side just in time to catch his vomit in my hands . . . nice! This made for a long night because Mason had fever and didn't sleep well. Finally around 5 a.m. he settled down and we got some much needed rest. We woke late that morning and discovered we had no water!! Great (remember I got thrown up on after my bath!)! My dad had hired some people to cut hay in our pasture and apparently they mistook our water well for something that needed to be ran over! Mass amount of phone calls and chaos ensues and finally the water is flowing again! Which is good because then Mason threw up on me AGAIN! At least its bedtime . . . tomorrow is sure to be better . . .

Or not! Since I've been working part-time I'm always a little paranoid that when I come in on Tuesday's that I've missed something everyone else knows or something to that affect and usually I'm wrong but not this time! Long story way short, work drama overflows and I end up working late which leads to . . .

THE WORSE . . .

Stuck in traffic on Bert Kouns Industrial Loop minding my own business trying to get home after a tedious day when WHAM!! My head jerks foward then back and I'm thinking what in the world just happened . . . well let me tell you!! Some teenage boy decides to plow into the back of my car which leads me to the back of someone's car! FANTASTIC!! What a perfect day!

I was very shook up and shaking uncontrollably, my head hurt almost immediately, and I thought I'd vomit on the side of the road which would be so embarrassing! I finally make it home and then my parents and sister intervene and force me to the ER until 12:30 a.m.




The damage is actually worse than the pictures show - there's damage on both sides and underneath my car and inside the back, but the good news is that God is good and everyone walked away!

I literally could not stop shaking for about the next hour after the accident. I drove home listening to K-Love and heard this song (can't remember who sings it!) - "hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like leaf, you have been King of my glory, now won't you be my Prince of Peace?" And it really hit home at that moment - our God is so mighty and thankfully his blessings are new each day because I really needed a fresh start!

Praying for better days!
I'm adding a quick little edit to this post . . . got to work Thursday and my HR rep called and she forgot to approve my time sheet so no paycheck for me tomorrow! And Pat if you are reading this I am not mad! At this point anything bad that happens I am just going to think its comical!