I Wanna be Undignified in the Deep

"I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

2 Samuel 6:22

In the quiet stillness of night when everyone is asleep and no one is calling my name and I am not distracted by my "to-do" list and all that comes between me and sleep is one quick, last look at my sleeping children, I silently arrange covers and blankets and bears and whisper simple utterances to my Father that sound something like - let them strong and mighty and faithful like David, let them be missionaries, let them advocate for orphans and the forgotten, let them be fearless soldiers for the cross in everything they do - in short, please God, don't let them be me. Please don't let them be strangled with the need to please people and for everyone to love them, please don't let their insecurities be their hinderance in heeding your call.

 

I've read this blog post a million times, Brave Moms Raise Brave Kids, and I've got the let your kids run wild outside part of being brave down, but I am not so sure about the brave disciple part. Don't get me wrong I do stuff for the church and for the cross, its just safe things like VBS and Operation Christmas Child - good, safe things. I've been convicted of my thoughts on this - I pray for my kids to be brave and fearless disciples and oh, God has burdened me with a passion and a desire to do this one BIG, BRAVE, SCARY thing and I pray everyday that I get to do it. I'm like Peter, in the boat I think I can walk on water but when I get out of the boat, in the deep, it's a different story.

 

And so when I pray about the BIG, BRAVE, SCARY thing and I'm inpatiently asking God why He has burdened me with this longing when there are so many obstacles in the way of getting the BIG, BRAVE, SCARY thing done, I never envisioned myself as one of the obstacles in the way. Yet, last week I did an itty, bitty, scary thing and my heart was beating wildly and I felt like I was suffocating when people didn't understand what I was trying to say. I stared at my computer screen frozen in fear and every fleshly part of me wanted to find every delete I button I could hit, yet I knew that I couldn't, that if I wanted to raise brave kids that I had to be a brave mom.

 

I had to be an example that "our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us and eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:17. I had to know that while I've been inpatient with God, that through obedience, he is preparing me and my family to do BIG, BRAVE, SCARY things when we do itty, bitty, scary things.  If the BIG, BRAVE, SCARY thing ever comes to pass in the years to come, people will not understand and friends will stop calling and I've told God that I'm okay with that, but it turns out that I'm okay with that in the boat, not in the deep. And well I've got to live in the deep if I'm raising fearless disciples.

 

From "Brave Moms Raise Brave Kids,"

I don’t want my kids safe and comfortable. I want them BRAVE. I don’t want to teach them to see danger under every rock, avoiding anything hard or not guaranteed or risky. They are going to encounter a very broken world soon, and if they aren’t prepared to wade into difficult territory and contend for the kingdom against obstacles and tragedies and hardships, they are going to be terrible disciples.

Y'all I desperately want my life story to be wonderfully messy in the eyes of the world. I want so much more than to just be blessed.  Honestly, hearing myself say, "Oh yes I'm so blessed - husband, kids, house, cars, health - check, got it. I must be doing something great for God to love me so much" makes me ill. I desire to be so much more than blessed.

 

In perfect timing, my Bible study this morning ("Jonah" by Priscilla Shirer) says - "Make sure your life writes a story worth reading." And I want my story and the story of my children to be BIG AND BRAVE AND SCARY so I'm stepping out to live undignified in the deep, may I be humiliated in my own eyes if it brings glory to the King ... these little faces are so worth it . . .

 

 

 

My brave warriors

 

 

silly and sweet

 

best friends forever

 

love

 

sick

 (if you could spare a prayer for healing this sweet thing could use it)

 

lots of loving going on

 

sick days in Halloween PJs for Conner and

Christmas for Aaron

 

wild ones

 

future farmer of america

 

my joy

 

sensitive sweet lego loving Conner

 

my sunshine

 

little me with a bouquet of joy for his mama

 

 

“Where your calling as a daughter of the king and your calling as a mother collide the most beautiful ministry you can imagine happens. “ Angie Smith, “Live in the Deep”