I've had a feel good blog post in mind for about a week now but I wanted to wait until after this past Monday to write it because I just knew the event I took place in on Monday would tie in quite nicely with all my warm & fuzzy feel-good feelings . . . or maybe not so much.
My church has recently started volunteering once a month in partnership with the Hub: Urban Outreach. Last month, we did Grocery Cart night (I was not able to attend). Basically, the very poor or homeless meet at an open lot in downtown Shreveport and church volunteers pass out food. Everyone returned blessed and joyous from the outing! When the opportunity arose this month, I didn't want to miss out on the blessings so I signed up!
We did something different this go-around though, we went to the Fairmont Apartments on Cotton Street, which is basically a need-based low income 15-story apartment building downtown. Interns with the Hub had gone to the Fairmont on Saturday and surveyed several residents on their needs and prayer requests. Our job on Monday was to deliver pre-bagged grocery items to select apartments. We split up into teams of 3 - 4 and received our info sheets that told names, apartment #'s, prayer requests, etc. I'm thinking this is going to be great - knock on doors, hand out food, say God Bless You, go home and feel good about self . . .
Wrong, as we are pairing off, Cassie, the director, tells us to pray over the residents we will be meeting before we leave the lobby to prepare and then she wants us to do more than drop off the food . . . she wants us to, gasp, talk to them like friends and get to know them . . . this assignment is starting to get a little uncomfortable.
My team rides the rickety elevator to the 14th floor and knock on the door to meet Audrey. Audrey invites us in to her very under-furnished apartment. Since we have no place to sit we all stand and stare down at her with beaming smiles! We ask how long she's been here thinking since she only owns a couch and NOTHING else that she'll say she just moved in, but no she's been there months. Audrey is very thankful for the food and the company because since she doesn't have a job she is very bored. We ask if she any prayer requests and she says no, we ask if she has kids and she says no, but then she says well I'm 9 weeks pregnant I guess you can pray for that! I perk up because I love all things having anything to do with babies and suddenly I can sense a common ground between myself and Audrey; maybe we aren't so different after all!
Then I see it - the ash tray sitting beside her feet - and suddenly I lose all compassion for her. I begin to think of friends who are dying for babies, of babies whose mothers did everything right but they are still sick, and then I think of unemployed Audrey waiting for me to bring her food so she can sit in her little apartment and smoke her baby's life away and I am angry. She evens cries as she hugs my mother and says thank you to us all but I can't really see her gratitude or her desperation because all I see is ash trays.
We leave and head to Tracey's apartment. Tracey (a guy) has listed prayer requests - he has broken his ankle and he is trying to help a friend through a 7 day detox program. I am hopeful that Tracey sparks more compassion in me. Tracey is very friendly and seems like a nice enough guy. He's lived at the Fairmont for 7 years after a brief stint living on the streets. He likes to help people and says he takes in quite a few "strays" to help them mend his way. My eyes wander briefly around his apartment and I'm quickly reminded of college - the space above his cabinets is decorated with half-empty liquor bottles. Not exactly helpful when you have been through STEPS or when you are trying to help someone recover from alcoholism. The more Tracey talks however the less I like him. He mentions he just returned from jail recently because of his 3rd DUI offense; he hit a 8.5 month pregnant lady after a night of drinking. Right about now, I'm feeling repulsed by his presence and the smell of his apartment is making me want to vomit. All I can think is what if that would have been me you hit or my friend? What would the family of that lady or that baby think of me for bringing you food?
Finally, our two visits are over, we decide to walk 14 flights of stairs because the elevators scare us. I was actually quite surprised not to find people in drug induced stupors in the stairs. We return to the lobby to meet up with our group; where I'm promptly introduced to Trigger aka Sniper, who tries to hug me more passionately than my husband. As I am walking backward trying to put some distance between us so that I can shake his hand instead, I sense that my mother is about to jump on his back and try to strangle him and I can't imagine what a scene that was cause!
Trigger proudly shows me his tear drop tatoos as if that will somehow boost my opinion of him. He asks if I live in a big house with a fireplace and I don't know what to say because yes, although I don't think my house is huge, Trigger has probably never seen a house so big and I don't want to be rude.
You see the ugly truth about me is that I smiled my best Jesus smiles at Audrey and Tracey and Trigger, but in my head I was telling myself how unworthy they were, how disgusting, how dirty, how lazy, etc.
This isn't really what I signed up for. I signed up for blessings and joy not to see a side of me that I'd rather leave under wraps.
What I'd really love for the Bible to say is "Feed the Hungry, but only if before they were hungry they were law-abiding, tax paying citizens. They are only hungry because they lost their job or have cancer." But all the Bible does say is 'share your food with the hungry.' And that's it folks. Jesus doesn't really care why they are hungry (he actually does, but you know what I mean), he just cares that they are and he wants us to feed them. Even the ones we'd rather not.
I recently read Same Kind of Different as Me about a homeless man in Fort Worth, Texas and one thing I learned from that book is that my gift of time, money, possessions, etc. is not diminished if people don't use like I intended for them to. Meaning if you toss $2 to the man holding the sign on the corner of the road and he spends it on beer instead of food like he said he would then you still get credit. So we can't really use that as an excuse.
That Bible says in Luke that even the sinner is nice to those who are nice to him and if I can't do better than that then what right do I have to be so arrogant?
You see the ugly truth about me, is I'm unworthy of being God's child. I'm inadequate for His service. I judge His children, even though I'm no better. My judgements of the residents of the Fairmont Apartments hindered God's ability to show how much He loves them. If they know nothing of God's love and I'm the only example they will ever see then I have failed miserably.
But the amazing thing is God still loves me anyway!! Just as much as loves Audrey, Tracey, and Trigger! I'm going back to the Fairmont on December 14 and this time instead of going for blessings I'm going back a little more humble and prepared to do actual service for God's beloved people. Maybe one day there won't be so many ugly truths about me . . .
The boys showing off their new haircuts!
Conner, the little muncher, in our much nicer pantry
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